How can I reason with my child?

About a week ago I got a normal request from my oldest. "Dad, I want to buy a video game." The first question we always ask is, "What's it rated?". He answered that it wasn't rated. "Uh-oh", I thought here we go...

Attitude when the discussion begins

You see, when you have a child that is obsessive-compulsive discussions can get, well, interesting. As they focus on the one thing they think they have to have, you are trying to determine if it is in their best interest. You have a couple of options at this point:

1. Say no and don't budge from it
2. Give in and let it all play out
3. Analyze and discuss their obsession

Saying No Right Away

I used to say "No" all the time. I would take a cursory look at the item and then decide that it was a no (I'll be honest, sometimes it was because I didn't want to deal with a long complicated argument). Usually the child would follow me around and pester me about it. My kids learned that if they were determined enough they could wear me down. This was not an effective way of dealing with the issue. 

Giving In 

There were times when it seemed easier to just give in rather than have the discussion (read argument) over the object of obsession. Giving in doesn't always work out for the best. In fact, it's not really a good option at all.  That doesn't mean that yes shouldn't be an answer, it just means that giving in because I'm tired doesn't work.

Analyze the Item

This option is the one I use right now. It takes some time to do and is definitely NOT the easiest option of the three. However, I have found that this option allows me to have a conversation with the child and be able to reason with him/her. 

The face he makes during analysis

In the case of the video game mentioned above, I started to do a search for the game's rating. I did find a rating of Mature for the XBox One and Playstation, but no rating for the PC version. It just so happened that the PC version was the one he wanted to buy. Eventually I found a rating for the add on to the PC game which was rated Mature. 

Now, I've been down this road a few times and I know that if I let him buy the "base" game, that it won't be long before he states that the "base" game isn't any fun. Then he will want to purchase the add-on. Without the add-on he will have "wasted his money". 

So what to do now? Well, I had him show me the videos of the game play and pointed out to him things that were "mature" in nature. In this game it had to do with X-Ray views of people being killed and the blood and gore associated with it. This didn't seem to affect him. He is 16 and figures that violence isn't that bad.

Ok, now what? Well, it was time to go to my ace in the hole. What is that ace? The minimum requirements for running the game. So first we check the Operating System, it's good. Next we check the memory needed, again good. Finally we check the graphics requirements. See, he doesn't like it when games "lag" and so the graphics requirements can give a good hint as to how much "lag" there will be. In this case the graphics card didn't meet the requirements. This means that the game wouldn't play right.

Well, once that was explained there was no way he was going to spend $40 of his money on a game that wouldn't work. Analysis and reasoning had won the day again.

Happy that he got something he liked

So what happened next?

My son realized after the analysis was done that it was not smart to buy the game. I was relieved. Now, I knew the game wasn't right for him, but I had to help him see it. Whatever the method, he needs to see that it is a bad decision instead of me telling him it's a bad decision.

In the end he was able to use his money on something else that he enjoys and we don't have a game in the house that we are uncomfortable with.

Primary Singing Time and Special Needs Children, Part 3 of 3 Part Series

Guest post written by my sister, Chris Houghton.  Chris teaches music to children ages 3-11 each week during the children's meeting (Primary) on Sunday. This class is split into two groups: ages 3-7 and 8-11.  Each class has an average of 40-50 children.

  

Singing Time

Being a chorister for children is hard!  Let’s face it.  What other volunteer position asks a person to stand up each week in front of 10-100 children, teach them an entire song in 15 minutes, maintain reverence, be entertaining, and bring it home with a spiritual message at the end?  None.  That’s right, none.

Every week my Fitbit thinks that I have done two 20 minute workouts!  It congratulates me every Sunday for getting in my workout.  It’s exhausting, it’s terrifying, and it’s one of the most rewarding things I have ever done.

Some weeks we spend hours preparing lessons and other weeks, just minutes.  Some lessons are amazing and you can just tell the kids were soaking in what you taught and other weeks you go home feeling as useful as a snow shovel in July.

You are important and brave.  You are filling a role that most would have said no to in the first place.  So, pat yourself on the back. Yea you!

As the Aunt of special needs kiddos, I have a special place in my heart for the “hard kids” in Primary. However, when we call them “hard kids,” are we referencing our perspective or theirs?  I saw one nephew be born with autism; that’s hard.  I watched another be born addicted to meth; that’s hard.  I watched a niece discover she had learning disabilities because her birth mother drank every day during pregnancy.  She has fetal alcohol syndrome; that’s hard.  In the most kind and loving way, I want us to remember that we have them for a few minutes on Sunday, and that can be “hard.” But they live with their “hard moments” every day, all day.

As the Aunt of these kiddos I have several suggestions that may help with the “hard” days.  

Work on the Relationship

As the teacher you need to be willing to build trust and a caring relationship with the children.  

• Pay special attention to them.  
• Praise them if they show the slightest bit of reverence.  
• Compliment them for coming!  Sometimes that is all they can manage that day.  
• Call or visit them at home to get to know them.  
• Ask them pick the opening or closing song. They will feel so special.  
• Catch them on the way out of primary and tell them you love them. 

It may take months, but be patient; you can win them over.

Wiggle Room

I bring a bell to Primary.  When the kids get too loud, I bring out my bell and tell the kids they can be loud until I ring my bell.  When the bell rings, I need to see “my choir.”  

“My choir” has:

• eyes on me
• nothing in their laps
• lips still

Then I tell them to be noisy again.  They can talk to their neighbor or wiggle or jump (for about 5 seconds). Then I ring my bell again.  

We will do this several times.   It allows them to get their wiggles out, but quickly refocus.  They love the bell!  Not because it makes them be quiet, but because they get 30 seconds of fun from it.

Maya Angelou said: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."  Allow them to have fun.  Make them feel important.

When I prepare a lesson I always try to put something in the lesson where the kids can move. It is hard for them to sit quietly for 15-20 minutes.  Can they clap?  Can they stomp?  Can they shake? Create opportunities for them to move. 

This is especially important for the “hard kids.”  When everyone is moving, their inability to hold still becomes less noticeable and they can blend in a bit.  You are giving the “hard kids” a gift by providing an opportunity for them to feel and act just like everyone else.

If You Can't Say Something Nice...

Compliment them. Every week I tell “my choir” how amazing they are.  Somehow when they feel amazing, they become amazing. It’s natural to want to become what you are told you are. 

If a child has one minute of reverence, thank them.  Next week you may have two minutes.  If they sang nice and loud without shouting, thank them.  Next week you may have them sing even better.

Options

I have a young girl on the spectrum in our primary.  She has a "helper" sit with her each week. Because of my nephew with autism, I understand how hard it is for her to be there.  Sometimes when she is getting loud or I can tell she is upset, I will have the class sing I Love to See the Temple.  This is her favorite song. When we sing it, she will often calm down. (Do you know your “hard kids” favorite songs?)  

I have provided some props for her to use.  One is a soft, silky scarf.  She runs it through her hands to calm herself.  She waves it to the music. 

I also brought her some sensory toys that she likes to play with (I’m not saying you must do this; I had them around the house).  

This young girl also likes to use a dry erase marker on a binder.  One week I noticed that the marker was dry so the next week I brought her a new marker.  Her helper told me that it didn’t matter if the marker was dry.  She just likes the feel and sound of the dry erase marker on the plastic.  Find out what might calm your "hard kids." See if it can be provided during Singing Time.

Be Flexible

If a lesson is bombing, it may be the energy in the room that week and not your lesson.  Don’t take it personally.  Be willing to scrap it and sing fun songs and get silly.  Then try again next week. 

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to have the children know every word to every song, but that really should not be our goal. Our goal should be to help them feel the spirit of the music we sing. It is not about the number of songs they learn; it's about the way you make them feel!

How Sunday Teachers Can Assist Special Needs Children, Part 2 of 3 Part Series

Over the years my children have had some great teachers in church and I have also had the opportunity to teach other special needs children in church.

I have learned some things from these wonderfully patient teachers and from my own experiences.

Love the Children

Children are smart.  They know whether or not we like to be with them. If you are struggling to like or connect with a child, they will sense it. Look for the good in each child.  Find what is unique and special about them and let them know you see it using an "I noticed" statement.

For example, maybe a child is good at remembering a lesson.  Tell them: "I noticed that you remember the lesson each week." Or another child has a great smile: "I noticed that your smile makes the other children smile."  If you can't seem to find anything positive in their behavior, pray!  Find something that you can appreciate in each child.  If we look for the positive aspects in their behavior that is what we will notice.

Pray to feel love for each child; especially the ones that can be harder to love. They need it so much.

Noticing what is wrong with their behavior is easy; everyone has already done that.  So be unique; find the good and let them know it.

Routine

Children crave routines!  They feel more in control when things are predictable and orderly.  Create a routine in your classroom.

Start each lesson with the same activity.  It could be learning the books of scripture in order.  It could be a song.  Or a quick game of hang-man.  Whatever it is, create a routine.

If you have children that need even more structure, create a picture agenda. Place it on the chalkboard, or give it to the student who needs it.  As you complete each activity during your lesson, check off the activity.  This creates a sense of control and stability.  Children with autism use these picture agenda's in school and they can easily be transitioned to work in the church setting.

Change It Up

When I had some boys in my class with ADHD I quickly realized that teaching a 20 minute lesson was never going to work.

I broke my lesson up into 2-5 minutes bits, and varied my teaching methods.  A lesson might go something like this:

• Attention Activity: Object Lesson
• Tell Story of Moses
• Watch quick video clip of Moses
• Discuss what they learned from the video
• Put together the Puzzle picture of Moses
• Reach scriptures about Moses
• Learn Song

You get the idea.  Alternate teaching with activities, movement or audio visual aides.  You will need to think outside the box and become creative with how you teach the lessons. Doing this will allow your children with shorter attention spans opportunities for movement and will help them be able to focus during the short quiet times.

Some ideas to help you vary your lessons:  Use games, puzzles, Twister,  music, treasure hunts, walks, guests teachers, dressing up, dance, Simon Says, hangman, paper folding, crafts, role playing, story telling, coloring, etc.  The list is endless.

Sensory Ideas

Some children have sensory issues that can create difficulties for their learning.  I have 3 children with sensory issues. Clothing, noises, and lights and all been issues for my children.

When a child has a sensory processing disorder, the senses can become hyper aware, or they can become more dull.  For example a child with touch issues can either hate being touched because it hurts or they can seek touch, deep pressure and possibly injure themselves because they are not aware of how hard they are hitting something.

For children with sensitive ears, wearing headphones might help.  Speak at a volume that doesn't hurt their ears.  Although good luck on getting the other children to do the same. Perhaps playing calming music during the lesson could help a child refocus and calm down.

Weighted blankets are great tools for children who are active and are seeking deep pressure.  The blankets have a calming effect.  My sweet mom made blankets for each of my children, just remember the blankets should not be heavier than 10% of the child's body weight. We want to calm them down, not squish them.

Soft fabric to rub or touch might help some children sit and listen longer.  We all have that child who carried around their blanket until it fell apart.  Rubbing and touching soft fabrics has a calming effect on children.

Be aware of the lighting in your classroom.  One of my children hated florescent lights. He could hear them hum and they flicker. It bothered him and he hated going to Walmart because of all the lights there. Turn off the lights, or bring a lamp to class.

Some children have difficulty sitting in chairs.  Allow them to sit on the floor.  Or some children concentrate better when sitting on a yoga ball, or in a bean bag chair. For one of my children, the yoga ball would eventually be launched at someone's head, but for some children this may work well.

Worksheets

Some of the kiddos I taught needed something to do during the lesson.  I created worksheets with crossword puzzles, word scrambles, dot-to-dot images, etc on them.  I tried to have the worksheet relate to the lesson so it would reinforce what I was teaching.

Helper

Some children need to have a "helper" assigned to work with them one on one.  This allows that child to go to a class, but be able to leave if things get overwhelming.  The helper can modify the lesson by using pictures or objects to hold the attention of the child.  My sister worked with a child who was blind and autistic.  Her whole goal was to help him feel of her love and the love of God for him.  She allowed the child plenty of walks, she brought objects that were interesting to hold and touch, and she gave him all of her attention.  What a blessing a helper can be to a child with more needs than one teacher can give.

Allow Some of the Behaviors

Some behaviors that we would not allow a typical child to do, can be allowed as long as they don't interfere too much with the lesson or others.  I had a child who liked to wander around the classroom. That was not a problem as long as the other children could see and he didn't interfere with the teacher. If he did, I would gently direct him back to his chair, and help him get interested in something there.

Some children yell, or have outbursts in class.  If this is explained to the other children, it can be a behavior that everyone just ignores.  It doesn't have to be interfere or interrupt as long as others don't laugh or join in.

Escape Plan

Some special needs children get overwhelmed at times and need an escape plan.  Allow the child the ability to leave if they need to.  For non-verbal children, have a picture of a child going for a walk that they can give you to indicate their desire to leave for a bit.  Or a verbal child can be given a key word that allows them to leave as well.  

Ask the Parents

There is a great blog post on Chicken Scratch and Sniff about talking to the parents of special needs children.  Maria Eckersley from Meckmom.com has an autistic son and gave some great ideas about how to do this.  Since I don't believe in recreating the wheel, click on the link above and watch the video.  Great ideas!

Pray

God knows these children better than we do.  Better than their parents do.  He wants you to succeed as a teacher.  Please go to Him in prayer and ask what you can do to teach His child.  Not only will this strengthen your relationship with God, but He will help you strengthen the growing testimony in the child you have been assigned to teach.

Helping Special Needs Children During Church, Part 1 of 3 Part Series

My husband and I love to attend church to renew and prepare ourselves for the week.  We believe that a belief in something greater than ourselves has helped us raise the children we have been given. Therefore, it has been important that we attend church to seek guidance and worship as we believe. So each Sunday our family attends 3 hours of worship services.  The first hour is for everyone and we listen to people speak about the gospel of Christ.

Ready for church. Obviously this is a before shot.

During the second and third hours we separate into age groups and have Sunday School.  Over the years this equals a lot of hours in church.  It's hard enough to keep a wiggly 2 year old quiet during a meeting, but add special needs, sensory issues, and ADHD: WOW, do we have a party!

During the years we have come up with some strategies to help our children manage during this time so that we can worship.  

Walks

Sitting still for 3 hours was just not possible for my son with ADHD.  He needed movement! During the first hour of church he would come to my husband or I and be allowed to go for a walk with one of us.  We did laps around the church and took in the fresh air.  It didn't solve all his wiggles, but it definitely helped.  And giving him the freedom of being allowed to ask and go on a walk helped him feel in control of his situation.

We talked with our son's teachers too about how they could allow him some time to move.  Often times they would allow him frequent trips to the drinking fountain.  Other teachers had the whole class involved and would start with some dancing, jumping jacks, or other activities that involved movement.  Other teachers had all members of the class walk around the church before the lesson started.  Each solution was a bit different, but each helped our son get the movement he needed.

Rewards

We never punished for meltdowns or bad behavior in church.  I didn't want to associate church with negativity.  So instead we set up a reward system with ice cream.  And who doesn't love ice cream? Each Sunday we all started off with the promise of 3 scoops of ice cream and all the toppings.  If the children were able to maintain good behavior they got the reward immediately upon returning home. (I know, not the healthiest lunch, but I needed to attend church for me, and this worked.)

If they had to be reminded 3 times to sit quietly or stop fighting, etc, they would be penalized 1 scoop of ice cream.  I don't think anyone every lost all 3 scoops of ice cream because ... well ice cream.

We did have to cut out any other ice cream moments during the week so that Sunday was special. And we had to maintain a pretty good ice cream supply in the refrigerator.  My kiddos responded great to this reward system.

Think of what your family loves.  Reward them for being able to sit through church.  It may be that in the beginning you reward simply for going to church.  Then a reward for sitting for part of the sermon.  Baby steps are the key.  Rewards do motivate and helped us improve our Sunday sanity.

Sitting in the Same Place

One of our sons is autistic and he craves routine.  He liked to sit in the same place at church each week.  Think Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory.

Now we never kicked anyone out of "OUR" pew if we arrived too late, but we started arriving early enough to claim "Sheldon's Spot" each week.  We often had to get there 30 minutes early to do this, but it helped our son be comfortable.

Arrive Early

Arriving before a lot of people were present helped my children enter the room more calmly. Entering into a room filled with people, music, talking, lights and movement can be overwhelming.  So we found that if we arrived when the chapel was almost empty, no music was playing yet, and things were calm, we could set up our family and have things go more smoothly.

Sitting in the Foyer 

Some children are overstimulated by the lights, people, singing, and noise.  It is difficult for them to sit with so much stimulation and not have a meltdown.  Sitting outside the worship hall in the foyer allows you to hear the sermon, but avoid the over-stimulation of so many people.  Or perhaps in your church they have a room you can sit in and still hear the sermon.  Talk with your eclesiatical leader to brainstorm some options that might be available to you.  

Sit near Support Groups

We liked to sit in church by people who were aware of our issues and were understanding of them.  If both of us had to leave with a child, the remaining children would be watched over by friends.  Or if one of the children had an outburst, those around us were understanding and would help us deal with the situation.

Ask friends to sit near you and explain what you might need in certain situations.  Help them understand when you might need help and when you would be able to handle the situation.  They may come up with some ideas that you haven't thought of.

Activities and Gum

During church we allowed the children to color and play quietly with toys.  When my sister sat with us she taught me to massage my children's hands.  This deep pressure helps calm a child and the bonding nature of touch helps create a positive experience.  Another deep pressure activity is simple: gum!  I have a friend who brings multiple packs of flavored gum and the children can chew one piece at a time, but have as many pieces of gum as they want to have.  Now with this idea, supervision is necessary so the gum doesn't end up under pews, on the floor, or in hair.  But chewing gum is a deep pressure activity that can help keep kids calm.  

Think outside the box

One of our children still disliked church after trying all of the above to accommodate his needs.  The florescent lights bothered him and the noise of singing was often too much.  One Sunday he spent the entire first hour in the inverted turtle position (on his back all four limbs flailing), screaming, crying, and refusing to enter the building.  I endured the stares of parents who didn't understand autism and sensory processing issues.  I could tell by their looks that they thought that poor parenting and a spoiled child were the reasons for this meltdown.  

We were ruining our relationship with our child.  We all dreaded Sundays and we did NOT feel refreshed after attending.  I felt more like I had gone 3 rounds with the heavy weight champion.

I had had enough. After church when we were all calmed down, I compromised with this child.  I told him I just wanted him at church for one hour.  That was all.  And he could pick the hour.  After this one hour, we would come home and watch movies about the scriptures and have our own lesson.  

The look on his face told me I had done the right thing.

I asked to be relieved of my church responsibilities of singing with the little children during hours two and three.  This allowed me to go home with our son while my husband stayed with our other children.

Our one hour of church went better after this.  It wasn't perfect.  But our son knew that he didn't have to endure 3 hours of church and that made it more manageable for him.  We continued to work with him to process what he was experiencing.  Things slowly improved.

After a few months of this we hired a respite worker for Sundays.  He came with us to worship services and if our son felt like staying for all 3 hours, they would stay.  If he felt like he needed to go home after one hour, they could.  This allowed my husband and I to attend our meeting and feel renewed.  And this allowed our son the ability to go home if church was too much for him.

Some Sunday's he stayed, but most Sunday's he went home. This continued for years.  And it wasn't until his mid-teen years that our son was able to consistently attend all of church.

Be patient. Pray.  Ask for guidance.

We still have rough Sunday's when I wonder why I am doing this.  I would love to hear what you do. If you have kids that struggle with church services, what have you done to make church easier for them? 

After church, Sam and Grace have had enough!