Helping Special Needs Children During Church, Part 1 of 3 Part Series

My husband and I love to attend church to renew and prepare ourselves for the week.  We believe that a belief in something greater than ourselves has helped us raise the children we have been given. Therefore, it has been important that we attend church to seek guidance and worship as we believe. So each Sunday our family attends 3 hours of worship services.  The first hour is for everyone and we listen to people speak about the gospel of Christ.

Ready for church. Obviously this is a before shot.

During the second and third hours we separate into age groups and have Sunday School.  Over the years this equals a lot of hours in church.  It's hard enough to keep a wiggly 2 year old quiet during a meeting, but add special needs, sensory issues, and ADHD: WOW, do we have a party!

During the years we have come up with some strategies to help our children manage during this time so that we can worship.  

Walks

Sitting still for 3 hours was just not possible for my son with ADHD.  He needed movement! During the first hour of church he would come to my husband or I and be allowed to go for a walk with one of us.  We did laps around the church and took in the fresh air.  It didn't solve all his wiggles, but it definitely helped.  And giving him the freedom of being allowed to ask and go on a walk helped him feel in control of his situation.

We talked with our son's teachers too about how they could allow him some time to move.  Often times they would allow him frequent trips to the drinking fountain.  Other teachers had the whole class involved and would start with some dancing, jumping jacks, or other activities that involved movement.  Other teachers had all members of the class walk around the church before the lesson started.  Each solution was a bit different, but each helped our son get the movement he needed.

Rewards

We never punished for meltdowns or bad behavior in church.  I didn't want to associate church with negativity.  So instead we set up a reward system with ice cream.  And who doesn't love ice cream? Each Sunday we all started off with the promise of 3 scoops of ice cream and all the toppings.  If the children were able to maintain good behavior they got the reward immediately upon returning home. (I know, not the healthiest lunch, but I needed to attend church for me, and this worked.)

If they had to be reminded 3 times to sit quietly or stop fighting, etc, they would be penalized 1 scoop of ice cream.  I don't think anyone every lost all 3 scoops of ice cream because ... well ice cream.

We did have to cut out any other ice cream moments during the week so that Sunday was special. And we had to maintain a pretty good ice cream supply in the refrigerator.  My kiddos responded great to this reward system.

Think of what your family loves.  Reward them for being able to sit through church.  It may be that in the beginning you reward simply for going to church.  Then a reward for sitting for part of the sermon.  Baby steps are the key.  Rewards do motivate and helped us improve our Sunday sanity.

Sitting in the Same Place

One of our sons is autistic and he craves routine.  He liked to sit in the same place at church each week.  Think Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory.

Now we never kicked anyone out of "OUR" pew if we arrived too late, but we started arriving early enough to claim "Sheldon's Spot" each week.  We often had to get there 30 minutes early to do this, but it helped our son be comfortable.

Arrive Early

Arriving before a lot of people were present helped my children enter the room more calmly. Entering into a room filled with people, music, talking, lights and movement can be overwhelming.  So we found that if we arrived when the chapel was almost empty, no music was playing yet, and things were calm, we could set up our family and have things go more smoothly.

Sitting in the Foyer 

Some children are overstimulated by the lights, people, singing, and noise.  It is difficult for them to sit with so much stimulation and not have a meltdown.  Sitting outside the worship hall in the foyer allows you to hear the sermon, but avoid the over-stimulation of so many people.  Or perhaps in your church they have a room you can sit in and still hear the sermon.  Talk with your eclesiatical leader to brainstorm some options that might be available to you.  

Sit near Support Groups

We liked to sit in church by people who were aware of our issues and were understanding of them.  If both of us had to leave with a child, the remaining children would be watched over by friends.  Or if one of the children had an outburst, those around us were understanding and would help us deal with the situation.

Ask friends to sit near you and explain what you might need in certain situations.  Help them understand when you might need help and when you would be able to handle the situation.  They may come up with some ideas that you haven't thought of.

Activities and Gum

During church we allowed the children to color and play quietly with toys.  When my sister sat with us she taught me to massage my children's hands.  This deep pressure helps calm a child and the bonding nature of touch helps create a positive experience.  Another deep pressure activity is simple: gum!  I have a friend who brings multiple packs of flavored gum and the children can chew one piece at a time, but have as many pieces of gum as they want to have.  Now with this idea, supervision is necessary so the gum doesn't end up under pews, on the floor, or in hair.  But chewing gum is a deep pressure activity that can help keep kids calm.  

Think outside the box

One of our children still disliked church after trying all of the above to accommodate his needs.  The florescent lights bothered him and the noise of singing was often too much.  One Sunday he spent the entire first hour in the inverted turtle position (on his back all four limbs flailing), screaming, crying, and refusing to enter the building.  I endured the stares of parents who didn't understand autism and sensory processing issues.  I could tell by their looks that they thought that poor parenting and a spoiled child were the reasons for this meltdown.  

We were ruining our relationship with our child.  We all dreaded Sundays and we did NOT feel refreshed after attending.  I felt more like I had gone 3 rounds with the heavy weight champion.

I had had enough. After church when we were all calmed down, I compromised with this child.  I told him I just wanted him at church for one hour.  That was all.  And he could pick the hour.  After this one hour, we would come home and watch movies about the scriptures and have our own lesson.  

The look on his face told me I had done the right thing.

I asked to be relieved of my church responsibilities of singing with the little children during hours two and three.  This allowed me to go home with our son while my husband stayed with our other children.

Our one hour of church went better after this.  It wasn't perfect.  But our son knew that he didn't have to endure 3 hours of church and that made it more manageable for him.  We continued to work with him to process what he was experiencing.  Things slowly improved.

After a few months of this we hired a respite worker for Sundays.  He came with us to worship services and if our son felt like staying for all 3 hours, they would stay.  If he felt like he needed to go home after one hour, they could.  This allowed my husband and I to attend our meeting and feel renewed.  And this allowed our son the ability to go home if church was too much for him.

Some Sunday's he stayed, but most Sunday's he went home. This continued for years.  And it wasn't until his mid-teen years that our son was able to consistently attend all of church.

Be patient. Pray.  Ask for guidance.

We still have rough Sunday's when I wonder why I am doing this.  I would love to hear what you do. If you have kids that struggle with church services, what have you done to make church easier for them? 

After church, Sam and Grace have had enough!

Our 911 Group

Thirteen years ago we packed up our little family and moved to the desert.  Levi was barely 3, Ellie had just turned 1 and we had a new baby who was 1 month old.  We moved away from our wonderful support group of friends and family.

At this point in time Levi had some behavior issues, but no diagnosis.  That would come later. With 3 children 3 and under, we felt alone and overwhelmed.

One particular Sunday we were struggling to keep the children quiet (not successfully) so those around us could worship, and perhaps carve out a minute or two for myself to listen as well.  A sweet woman behind me leaned forward, smiled at me, and pulled Ellie into her arms. Little did I know I had just met my angel and my first 911 Group member.  Liz and her husband Kyle had 3 children, all of whom were out of the toddler age.  They adopted my family as their own and soon had us over for Sunday dinners, fun afternoon swims in their pool and the occasional horse ride.

As Levi's behaviors progressed from temper tantrums to extreme anger and violence, Liz was the person I confided in about my struggles with Levi.  It wasn't a secret, his behavior was out of control and he had meltdowns in public and private all the time.  I was worried about what might be wrong and she helped me talk things through.  I was worried about the safety of my other children and my own sanity.

Levi was large for his age, but still young.  I could pick him up and remove him from hurting the others, as long as I was close enough when the meltdown began.  Unfortunately, I still had 2 other children to care for and a house to run and I wasn't always within arms reach when the anger and violence began.  And his meltdowns could last hours.  This was physically exhausting and stressful for me.

I was living on caffeine, fear, and adrenaline and was close to breaking with the daily meltdowns.  I called Liz during a really bad meltdown and tearfully asked her to come help me.  When Liz walked through the front door, Levi saw his good friend and an interrupt happened.  The meltdown stopped. He was distracted by a friendly face and forgot about why he was upset.

We had been searching for the reason behind the meltdowns. BJ and I took parenting classes.  We found a psychiatrist for Levi.  We went to a therapist.  We saw multiple doctors and were moving forward with getting him tested.  We were exploring many options to help us understand the source of the problem, but the process can take years and nothing had worked so far.

I realized that having Liz come over stopped Levi's meltdown. We needed to "interrupt" his behavior pattern and then we could distract him with other things.

After I realized this, I called Liz over many times to help me stop a meltdown. I didn't need her for every meltdown, just the most aggressive and violent ones.  I began calling her 1-2 times a week and I soon realized this was too much to ask of one person.

So I prayed and asked God to help me find people that could help me.  I looked for people who had experience with special needs or mental illness because I knew that they would understand and have compassion for our situation.

One older couple I selected because their son had been diagnosed with schizophrenia. One friend I asked to help had bi-polar disorder.  Another had a mother with mental illness.  I approached each friend after much prayer and told them what I needed.  I needed people willing to help us at a moment's notice, who wouldn't be scared by Levi's aggression, and who would come with compassion and love.  Each person I asked was so kind and willing.  I couldn't believe how much God had blessed me.  I soon had a group of people willing to help.  I felt grateful that so many people were willing to help us.

One Sunday after church (which seemed to be a trigger for Levi), he was having a particularly bad meltdown.  I called the older couple and asked for help.  They came within minutes loaded down with board games.  They walked in (ignored his behavior), set up a game, and asked if he wanted to play. Of course he did!  He loved games and attention.  Interrupt successful.

Another friend came as I was trying to load the car with all the children.  Levi hated car rides and was close to kicking out car windows.  She climbed in the car with a about 30 keys on a key-chain and a lock in her other hand.  Again ignoring his behavior, she told Levi she couldn't figure out which key unlocked the lock.  Could he?  Interrupt successful.  And he became so interested in the lock and key puzzle, he left to spend the day at her house.

As the 911 group began easing the burden that was on me, I called on my neighbors next.  I found out my next door neighbor worked with special needs children.  She taught me gentle holds I could use and how to get him to release hair or a bite.  No judgement.  She offered compassion, understanding and help.

Other neighbors offered to be a refuge for my other children who were by now 3 and 4.  I could send them to any of 4 different homes willing to take my children in so they wouldn't have to be around during a meltdown.  Often, they would send someone to check on me as Levi grew older to make sure I was okay.

This 911 Group lasted 11 years.  I am still overwhelmed by the love, understanding and compassion of the people who chose to help me.  I never felt judged by them.  And as Levi grew (he is now 6'4" and 270 lbs!!!) they continued to help us and look after us.  Many of them still check on us to see how things are going.

If you are struggling with behaviors that are difficult to handle, I would suggest you create your own support group to help you.  Here are some things I found helpful when creating this group.

• If you are blessed to have family close by, start there.  Sometimes those close to us would love to help, but they don't know how.
• Look for people with experience with mental illness, special needs, or chronic illness.  They will often be compassionate and understanding of your situation.
• Pray about people that you should invite.  I had no idea my older neighbor worked with special needs children.  God led me to her and she was a wealth of knowledge.
• Explain to the people helping you what you need.  For example, I needed people who would ignore Levi's behavior but be able to distract him.  I didn't need a person to discipline him, I needed people to love him.
• Let people know how to get to you.  When I was in the middle of managing a meltdown, I couldn't answer the door.  I needed them to just walk in and find me.
• Have a code word.  At first I would call people, but after a while I could just text HELP and they would come. 
• Educate them to the interests of your child.  Levi loved games, horses, puzzles and the park. People came prepared with those things to distract him.

Over the years Levi received the help he needed.  That story is for another day, but during the time of trial and error, we needed help.  Don't be afraid to ask for help.  Some people may turn you down, but many will be willing to help.