How can I reason with my child?

About a week ago I got a normal request from my oldest. "Dad, I want to buy a video game." The first question we always ask is, "What's it rated?". He answered that it wasn't rated. "Uh-oh", I thought here we go...

Attitude when the discussion begins

You see, when you have a child that is obsessive-compulsive discussions can get, well, interesting. As they focus on the one thing they think they have to have, you are trying to determine if it is in their best interest. You have a couple of options at this point:

1. Say no and don't budge from it
2. Give in and let it all play out
3. Analyze and discuss their obsession

Saying No Right Away

I used to say "No" all the time. I would take a cursory look at the item and then decide that it was a no (I'll be honest, sometimes it was because I didn't want to deal with a long complicated argument). Usually the child would follow me around and pester me about it. My kids learned that if they were determined enough they could wear me down. This was not an effective way of dealing with the issue. 

Giving In 

There were times when it seemed easier to just give in rather than have the discussion (read argument) over the object of obsession. Giving in doesn't always work out for the best. In fact, it's not really a good option at all.  That doesn't mean that yes shouldn't be an answer, it just means that giving in because I'm tired doesn't work.

Analyze the Item

This option is the one I use right now. It takes some time to do and is definitely NOT the easiest option of the three. However, I have found that this option allows me to have a conversation with the child and be able to reason with him/her. 

The face he makes during analysis

In the case of the video game mentioned above, I started to do a search for the game's rating. I did find a rating of Mature for the XBox One and Playstation, but no rating for the PC version. It just so happened that the PC version was the one he wanted to buy. Eventually I found a rating for the add on to the PC game which was rated Mature. 

Now, I've been down this road a few times and I know that if I let him buy the "base" game, that it won't be long before he states that the "base" game isn't any fun. Then he will want to purchase the add-on. Without the add-on he will have "wasted his money". 

So what to do now? Well, I had him show me the videos of the game play and pointed out to him things that were "mature" in nature. In this game it had to do with X-Ray views of people being killed and the blood and gore associated with it. This didn't seem to affect him. He is 16 and figures that violence isn't that bad.

Ok, now what? Well, it was time to go to my ace in the hole. What is that ace? The minimum requirements for running the game. So first we check the Operating System, it's good. Next we check the memory needed, again good. Finally we check the graphics requirements. See, he doesn't like it when games "lag" and so the graphics requirements can give a good hint as to how much "lag" there will be. In this case the graphics card didn't meet the requirements. This means that the game wouldn't play right.

Well, once that was explained there was no way he was going to spend $40 of his money on a game that wouldn't work. Analysis and reasoning had won the day again.

Happy that he got something he liked

So what happened next?

My son realized after the analysis was done that it was not smart to buy the game. I was relieved. Now, I knew the game wasn't right for him, but I had to help him see it. Whatever the method, he needs to see that it is a bad decision instead of me telling him it's a bad decision.

In the end he was able to use his money on something else that he enjoys and we don't have a game in the house that we are uncomfortable with.

You're Not My REAL Mom

When BJ and I were preparing to adopt, we were required to take classes that taught about adoption and parenting.  I remember being shocked to hear that one day, my darling child whom I hoped to adopt, might say to me: "I hate you.  You're not my real Mom."

I was stunned.  How could a child that I had longed for, prayed for, and dreamed about say that to me? I really had to think about how I would react to that statement when it came.

As I thought about it and talked to other parents, I realized that children say these things to all parents, adoptive or biological. Whether the words are "You're not my real Mom" or "I wish you weren't my Mom" the reasons behind them may be the same.

First, when our children say things like this they are usually hurting and angry. It may be someone else who hurt them or they may be upset with us. Either way, they want someone to feel what they are feeling so they lash out and cause pain.

Second, they know that if they lash out at us (parents, caregivers, stable adults in their lives), we aren't going anywhere. We are the people who love them, who support them, and who are there for them. That is why they feel safe to say things like this to us.

So the next time your child says, "I wish you weren't my Mom" realize that they feel safe enough with you to say such things. You are their safe place! You are loved. Please don't react with anger, hurt, or sarcasm. They need a strong adult to be there for them and love them.

Replying with anger or sarcasm will not help things.  Saying things like, "Real Mom's cook dinner, I guess I don't have to cook dinner anymore" will only cause more of a wedge in the relationship.  We must be the adult in this situation.

If something needs to be said, I have told them, "I'm sorry that is how you feel; nevertheless, I love you." And I try my best to say it with real sincerity, no sarcasm, anger, or hurt.  Remaining calm may allow them to open up to you and share how they are really feeling.

Parenting is hard.  It is hard to hear our children lash out and say mean things.  However, we must be the adult.  Be patient, kind and understanding.  Not reacting may allow them to open up and share things they haven't been able to share before.