Mom-in-Waiting

For five years I was a mom-in-waiting. Waiting is hard and the ache of wanting was constant. And I thought Mother's Day should have been renamed "Bury my Head in the Covers and eat Chocolate Day."

I remember trying to go to church on Mother's Day.  (Silly me).  Moms showed up with flattened corsages, macaroni necklaces, and "I'm a Mom" buttons with pictures of their children's faces.  Each message from the pulpit was about being a mother.  I lasted through one song and the prayer one memorable year before I left the building sobbing and vowed never again on Mother's Day. 

BJ and I endured 5 years of waiting, infertility, IVF and the constant question from others: "When are you going to have children?" Yes, Mother's Day was hard because it exposed that my heart's desire had not yet been realized.  We even had one miscarriage after IVF that almost shattered me. 

But it didn't.  It made me stronger.  Towards the end of our waiting time, we were on the adoption list and we knew that eventually, we would become parents.  The tightness in my throat relaxed as I began to trust that God had a perfect plan for me, and that I just needed to be patient. I remember excitement building as I put my trust in God that He would fulfill His promise to me. Children were coming. I had done my part, I had to let Him do His part.

So one night as we discussed what the sleepless nights, long hours, crying and spit-up would be like (me with stars in my eyes); we decided to be happy.  Absolutely deliciously happy with where we were in our lives.  Right NOW. 

This meant 

• enjoying a full night's sleep 
• relishing in the fact that we could escape to a movie, anytime
• spending hours cooking and eating dinner, just the two of us
• delighting in our clean house
• savoring quality couple time
• traveling whenever and wherever we wanted

Because who knew how many of those we would have after a baby came? We actively developed the art of enjoying life in the moment.  I would even say things like, "Wow, we are blessed with another full night's sleep. I'm going to enjoy it." 

Now don't get me wrong, we still ached for children. I still would have given up all the Sunday naps in the world for a baby. But at some point, you must learn to be happy in the now.

And do you know what? It worked. I was calmer. I developed faith in God. (I still didn't go to church on Mother's Day. Let's not push it.) And I could HONESTLY rejoice with friends who were pregnant and experiencing motherhood.

Today on Mother's Day there are so many still putting in time as moms-in-waiting. But I have come to realize a mom-in-waiting has so many different faces.  She could be the woman waiting for her first child. She might be waiting for her wayward child to return home. She may mourn the death of a child. She may still be waiting for her 15 year old autistic son to call her mom for the first time. She might mourn the loss of her own mother. She may be waiting for the joy of motherhood to come because the postpartum depression is overwhelming. She may be waiting for a partner to parent with. 

For those struggling as a mom-in-waiting, you are not alone. There are those near you who can help in the waiting time. And there is great joy to be found while waiting. Look for the simple joys of daily life. Realize the strength you are gaining as you wait. And know that God has a plan, and it is beautiful.

And last know that I love you and wait with you. Motherhood involves waiting. But we can wait together as sisters and as women. May God bless you in your waiting.

Levi, our much awaited first born

Daring Greatly

On the day I heard about this book, I was gasping for air. Pieces of myself were held together with string and sheer will power. The smile I wore as a mask was most likely betrayed by my red eyes and lack of mascara. I was sure the pain in my heart screamed at everyone around me: "Failure. Faker. Poser."

I had gone to book club hoping for distraction. I desperately wanted out of the pain of my life and wanted talk about unimportant things like the easy summer read we were reviewing that night.

Fortunately for me, I have a friends who read things of substance, as well as fun summer reads. My friend, Rachelle, mentioned this book: "Daring Greatly" by Brene' Brown. I'll never know if she could see my struggle, or if she was simply guided by God to suggest this book.  But it truly was an answer to what I was seeking.

That week my husband and I had been through a parenting moment that rocked us to our core.  It still hurts 3 years later.  I promise I will share at a later time, but there is more than my feelings to consider in the telling of the story; so that will have to wait for another time.

When Rachelle told me about this book I knew I needed to read it.  Brene' starts the book with this passage from Theodore Roosevelt's speech "Citizenship in a Republic."

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly. . . ."

This passage reminds me of what it is like to raise children AND raise children with special needs. We will try and fail, and try again.  We will come up short.  But we keep trying, because to quit is not an option.  So we continue each day to dare greatly.

Brene' makes the argument that connection is the point of human existence.  But in order to wholeheartedly connect with another human being, we must be vulnerable.

That seemed so opposite to what I had been taught and how I lived my life.  As a parent of three special needs children I had created quite a shell around my emotions and my struggles. To allow others to see my fears and weakness would be shameful. They could already see that my children weren't perfect and that I wasn't a perfect parent. Why would I share more of my struggles? But as I read her book and reviewed her research, I could see she was correct.  And Brene' is not a touchy feeling "this sounds nice we should try it" hack; she has researched connection, shame, and vulnerability for years.  The research backs up her argument. However, her book isn't just data, charts and numbers either. She weaves together the stories of the people she has researched with the data to create a great read.

What this book helped me realize, was that by hiding my pain from my friends, I was closing out my connection to them. I wasn't allowing them to learn from my pain, and I wasn't allowing myself to heal. To connect with my children, my husband, and others like me, I must allow myself to be vulnerable.  Her book is one major reason I started this blog. I want to connect with other parents so that we can see we are not alone and that together we can dare greatly.

How can I reason with my child?

About a week ago I got a normal request from my oldest. "Dad, I want to buy a video game." The first question we always ask is, "What's it rated?". He answered that it wasn't rated. "Uh-oh", I thought here we go...

Attitude when the discussion begins

You see, when you have a child that is obsessive-compulsive discussions can get, well, interesting. As they focus on the one thing they think they have to have, you are trying to determine if it is in their best interest. You have a couple of options at this point:

1. Say no and don't budge from it
2. Give in and let it all play out
3. Analyze and discuss their obsession

Saying No Right Away

I used to say "No" all the time. I would take a cursory look at the item and then decide that it was a no (I'll be honest, sometimes it was because I didn't want to deal with a long complicated argument). Usually the child would follow me around and pester me about it. My kids learned that if they were determined enough they could wear me down. This was not an effective way of dealing with the issue. 

Giving In 

There were times when it seemed easier to just give in rather than have the discussion (read argument) over the object of obsession. Giving in doesn't always work out for the best. In fact, it's not really a good option at all.  That doesn't mean that yes shouldn't be an answer, it just means that giving in because I'm tired doesn't work.

Analyze the Item

This option is the one I use right now. It takes some time to do and is definitely NOT the easiest option of the three. However, I have found that this option allows me to have a conversation with the child and be able to reason with him/her. 

The face he makes during analysis

In the case of the video game mentioned above, I started to do a search for the game's rating. I did find a rating of Mature for the XBox One and Playstation, but no rating for the PC version. It just so happened that the PC version was the one he wanted to buy. Eventually I found a rating for the add on to the PC game which was rated Mature. 

Now, I've been down this road a few times and I know that if I let him buy the "base" game, that it won't be long before he states that the "base" game isn't any fun. Then he will want to purchase the add-on. Without the add-on he will have "wasted his money". 

So what to do now? Well, I had him show me the videos of the game play and pointed out to him things that were "mature" in nature. In this game it had to do with X-Ray views of people being killed and the blood and gore associated with it. This didn't seem to affect him. He is 16 and figures that violence isn't that bad.

Ok, now what? Well, it was time to go to my ace in the hole. What is that ace? The minimum requirements for running the game. So first we check the Operating System, it's good. Next we check the memory needed, again good. Finally we check the graphics requirements. See, he doesn't like it when games "lag" and so the graphics requirements can give a good hint as to how much "lag" there will be. In this case the graphics card didn't meet the requirements. This means that the game wouldn't play right.

Well, once that was explained there was no way he was going to spend $40 of his money on a game that wouldn't work. Analysis and reasoning had won the day again.

Happy that he got something he liked

So what happened next?

My son realized after the analysis was done that it was not smart to buy the game. I was relieved. Now, I knew the game wasn't right for him, but I had to help him see it. Whatever the method, he needs to see that it is a bad decision instead of me telling him it's a bad decision.

In the end he was able to use his money on something else that he enjoys and we don't have a game in the house that we are uncomfortable with.

You're Not My REAL Mom

When BJ and I were preparing to adopt, we were required to take classes that taught about adoption and parenting.  I remember being shocked to hear that one day, my darling child whom I hoped to adopt, might say to me: "I hate you.  You're not my real Mom."

I was stunned.  How could a child that I had longed for, prayed for, and dreamed about say that to me? I really had to think about how I would react to that statement when it came.

As I thought about it and talked to other parents, I realized that children say these things to all parents, adoptive or biological. Whether the words are "You're not my real Mom" or "I wish you weren't my Mom" the reasons behind them may be the same.

First, when our children say things like this they are usually hurting and angry. It may be someone else who hurt them or they may be upset with us. Either way, they want someone to feel what they are feeling so they lash out and cause pain.

Second, they know that if they lash out at us (parents, caregivers, stable adults in their lives), we aren't going anywhere. We are the people who love them, who support them, and who are there for them. That is why they feel safe to say things like this to us.

So the next time your child says, "I wish you weren't my Mom" realize that they feel safe enough with you to say such things. You are their safe place! You are loved. Please don't react with anger, hurt, or sarcasm. They need a strong adult to be there for them and love them.

Replying with anger or sarcasm will not help things.  Saying things like, "Real Mom's cook dinner, I guess I don't have to cook dinner anymore" will only cause more of a wedge in the relationship.  We must be the adult in this situation.

If something needs to be said, I have told them, "I'm sorry that is how you feel; nevertheless, I love you." And I try my best to say it with real sincerity, no sarcasm, anger, or hurt.  Remaining calm may allow them to open up to you and share how they are really feeling.

Parenting is hard.  It is hard to hear our children lash out and say mean things.  However, we must be the adult.  Be patient, kind and understanding.  Not reacting may allow them to open up and share things they haven't been able to share before.

Primary Singing Time and Special Needs Children, Part 3 of 3 Part Series

Guest post written by my sister, Chris Houghton.  Chris teaches music to children ages 3-11 each week during the children's meeting (Primary) on Sunday. This class is split into two groups: ages 3-7 and 8-11.  Each class has an average of 40-50 children.

  

Singing Time

Being a chorister for children is hard!  Let’s face it.  What other volunteer position asks a person to stand up each week in front of 10-100 children, teach them an entire song in 15 minutes, maintain reverence, be entertaining, and bring it home with a spiritual message at the end?  None.  That’s right, none.

Every week my Fitbit thinks that I have done two 20 minute workouts!  It congratulates me every Sunday for getting in my workout.  It’s exhausting, it’s terrifying, and it’s one of the most rewarding things I have ever done.

Some weeks we spend hours preparing lessons and other weeks, just minutes.  Some lessons are amazing and you can just tell the kids were soaking in what you taught and other weeks you go home feeling as useful as a snow shovel in July.

You are important and brave.  You are filling a role that most would have said no to in the first place.  So, pat yourself on the back. Yea you!

As the Aunt of special needs kiddos, I have a special place in my heart for the “hard kids” in Primary. However, when we call them “hard kids,” are we referencing our perspective or theirs?  I saw one nephew be born with autism; that’s hard.  I watched another be born addicted to meth; that’s hard.  I watched a niece discover she had learning disabilities because her birth mother drank every day during pregnancy.  She has fetal alcohol syndrome; that’s hard.  In the most kind and loving way, I want us to remember that we have them for a few minutes on Sunday, and that can be “hard.” But they live with their “hard moments” every day, all day.

As the Aunt of these kiddos I have several suggestions that may help with the “hard” days.  

Work on the Relationship

As the teacher you need to be willing to build trust and a caring relationship with the children.  

• Pay special attention to them.  
• Praise them if they show the slightest bit of reverence.  
• Compliment them for coming!  Sometimes that is all they can manage that day.  
• Call or visit them at home to get to know them.  
• Ask them pick the opening or closing song. They will feel so special.  
• Catch them on the way out of primary and tell them you love them. 

It may take months, but be patient; you can win them over.

Wiggle Room

I bring a bell to Primary.  When the kids get too loud, I bring out my bell and tell the kids they can be loud until I ring my bell.  When the bell rings, I need to see “my choir.”  

“My choir” has:

• eyes on me
• nothing in their laps
• lips still

Then I tell them to be noisy again.  They can talk to their neighbor or wiggle or jump (for about 5 seconds). Then I ring my bell again.  

We will do this several times.   It allows them to get their wiggles out, but quickly refocus.  They love the bell!  Not because it makes them be quiet, but because they get 30 seconds of fun from it.

Maya Angelou said: "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."  Allow them to have fun.  Make them feel important.

When I prepare a lesson I always try to put something in the lesson where the kids can move. It is hard for them to sit quietly for 15-20 minutes.  Can they clap?  Can they stomp?  Can they shake? Create opportunities for them to move. 

This is especially important for the “hard kids.”  When everyone is moving, their inability to hold still becomes less noticeable and they can blend in a bit.  You are giving the “hard kids” a gift by providing an opportunity for them to feel and act just like everyone else.

If You Can't Say Something Nice...

Compliment them. Every week I tell “my choir” how amazing they are.  Somehow when they feel amazing, they become amazing. It’s natural to want to become what you are told you are. 

If a child has one minute of reverence, thank them.  Next week you may have two minutes.  If they sang nice and loud without shouting, thank them.  Next week you may have them sing even better.

Options

I have a young girl on the spectrum in our primary.  She has a "helper" sit with her each week. Because of my nephew with autism, I understand how hard it is for her to be there.  Sometimes when she is getting loud or I can tell she is upset, I will have the class sing I Love to See the Temple.  This is her favorite song. When we sing it, she will often calm down. (Do you know your “hard kids” favorite songs?)  

I have provided some props for her to use.  One is a soft, silky scarf.  She runs it through her hands to calm herself.  She waves it to the music. 

I also brought her some sensory toys that she likes to play with (I’m not saying you must do this; I had them around the house).  

This young girl also likes to use a dry erase marker on a binder.  One week I noticed that the marker was dry so the next week I brought her a new marker.  Her helper told me that it didn’t matter if the marker was dry.  She just likes the feel and sound of the dry erase marker on the plastic.  Find out what might calm your "hard kids." See if it can be provided during Singing Time.

Be Flexible

If a lesson is bombing, it may be the energy in the room that week and not your lesson.  Don’t take it personally.  Be willing to scrap it and sing fun songs and get silly.  Then try again next week. 

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to have the children know every word to every song, but that really should not be our goal. Our goal should be to help them feel the spirit of the music we sing. It is not about the number of songs they learn; it's about the way you make them feel!

How Sunday Teachers Can Assist Special Needs Children, Part 2 of 3 Part Series

Over the years my children have had some great teachers in church and I have also had the opportunity to teach other special needs children in church.

I have learned some things from these wonderfully patient teachers and from my own experiences.

Love the Children

Children are smart.  They know whether or not we like to be with them. If you are struggling to like or connect with a child, they will sense it. Look for the good in each child.  Find what is unique and special about them and let them know you see it using an "I noticed" statement.

For example, maybe a child is good at remembering a lesson.  Tell them: "I noticed that you remember the lesson each week." Or another child has a great smile: "I noticed that your smile makes the other children smile."  If you can't seem to find anything positive in their behavior, pray!  Find something that you can appreciate in each child.  If we look for the positive aspects in their behavior that is what we will notice.

Pray to feel love for each child; especially the ones that can be harder to love. They need it so much.

Noticing what is wrong with their behavior is easy; everyone has already done that.  So be unique; find the good and let them know it.

Routine

Children crave routines!  They feel more in control when things are predictable and orderly.  Create a routine in your classroom.

Start each lesson with the same activity.  It could be learning the books of scripture in order.  It could be a song.  Or a quick game of hang-man.  Whatever it is, create a routine.

If you have children that need even more structure, create a picture agenda. Place it on the chalkboard, or give it to the student who needs it.  As you complete each activity during your lesson, check off the activity.  This creates a sense of control and stability.  Children with autism use these picture agenda's in school and they can easily be transitioned to work in the church setting.

Change It Up

When I had some boys in my class with ADHD I quickly realized that teaching a 20 minute lesson was never going to work.

I broke my lesson up into 2-5 minutes bits, and varied my teaching methods.  A lesson might go something like this:

• Attention Activity: Object Lesson
• Tell Story of Moses
• Watch quick video clip of Moses
• Discuss what they learned from the video
• Put together the Puzzle picture of Moses
• Reach scriptures about Moses
• Learn Song

You get the idea.  Alternate teaching with activities, movement or audio visual aides.  You will need to think outside the box and become creative with how you teach the lessons. Doing this will allow your children with shorter attention spans opportunities for movement and will help them be able to focus during the short quiet times.

Some ideas to help you vary your lessons:  Use games, puzzles, Twister,  music, treasure hunts, walks, guests teachers, dressing up, dance, Simon Says, hangman, paper folding, crafts, role playing, story telling, coloring, etc.  The list is endless.

Sensory Ideas

Some children have sensory issues that can create difficulties for their learning.  I have 3 children with sensory issues. Clothing, noises, and lights and all been issues for my children.

When a child has a sensory processing disorder, the senses can become hyper aware, or they can become more dull.  For example a child with touch issues can either hate being touched because it hurts or they can seek touch, deep pressure and possibly injure themselves because they are not aware of how hard they are hitting something.

For children with sensitive ears, wearing headphones might help.  Speak at a volume that doesn't hurt their ears.  Although good luck on getting the other children to do the same. Perhaps playing calming music during the lesson could help a child refocus and calm down.

Weighted blankets are great tools for children who are active and are seeking deep pressure.  The blankets have a calming effect.  My sweet mom made blankets for each of my children, just remember the blankets should not be heavier than 10% of the child's body weight. We want to calm them down, not squish them.

Soft fabric to rub or touch might help some children sit and listen longer.  We all have that child who carried around their blanket until it fell apart.  Rubbing and touching soft fabrics has a calming effect on children.

Be aware of the lighting in your classroom.  One of my children hated florescent lights. He could hear them hum and they flicker. It bothered him and he hated going to Walmart because of all the lights there. Turn off the lights, or bring a lamp to class.

Some children have difficulty sitting in chairs.  Allow them to sit on the floor.  Or some children concentrate better when sitting on a yoga ball, or in a bean bag chair. For one of my children, the yoga ball would eventually be launched at someone's head, but for some children this may work well.

Worksheets

Some of the kiddos I taught needed something to do during the lesson.  I created worksheets with crossword puzzles, word scrambles, dot-to-dot images, etc on them.  I tried to have the worksheet relate to the lesson so it would reinforce what I was teaching.

Helper

Some children need to have a "helper" assigned to work with them one on one.  This allows that child to go to a class, but be able to leave if things get overwhelming.  The helper can modify the lesson by using pictures or objects to hold the attention of the child.  My sister worked with a child who was blind and autistic.  Her whole goal was to help him feel of her love and the love of God for him.  She allowed the child plenty of walks, she brought objects that were interesting to hold and touch, and she gave him all of her attention.  What a blessing a helper can be to a child with more needs than one teacher can give.

Allow Some of the Behaviors

Some behaviors that we would not allow a typical child to do, can be allowed as long as they don't interfere too much with the lesson or others.  I had a child who liked to wander around the classroom. That was not a problem as long as the other children could see and he didn't interfere with the teacher. If he did, I would gently direct him back to his chair, and help him get interested in something there.

Some children yell, or have outbursts in class.  If this is explained to the other children, it can be a behavior that everyone just ignores.  It doesn't have to be interfere or interrupt as long as others don't laugh or join in.

Escape Plan

Some special needs children get overwhelmed at times and need an escape plan.  Allow the child the ability to leave if they need to.  For non-verbal children, have a picture of a child going for a walk that they can give you to indicate their desire to leave for a bit.  Or a verbal child can be given a key word that allows them to leave as well.  

Ask the Parents

There is a great blog post on Chicken Scratch and Sniff about talking to the parents of special needs children.  Maria Eckersley from Meckmom.com has an autistic son and gave some great ideas about how to do this.  Since I don't believe in recreating the wheel, click on the link above and watch the video.  Great ideas!

Pray

God knows these children better than we do.  Better than their parents do.  He wants you to succeed as a teacher.  Please go to Him in prayer and ask what you can do to teach His child.  Not only will this strengthen your relationship with God, but He will help you strengthen the growing testimony in the child you have been assigned to teach.

A Reminder

Today was a rough day.  It was one of those days where I was upset, angry, wanted to rage against the unfairness of it all.

Today I wanted God to remove a trial.  Just take it away.  Because I thought I knew better.

My thoughts ranged from: "It's not fair" to "It's too hard."  Sometimes I think that it is just too much to ask of one little family.

I called Liz from my 911 group and vented, a lot.  It was helpful to share my problem with a friend, but it certainly didn't resolve any of my concerns.

My heart was heavy all day thinking about my options, how I could help this specific child come to terms with his illness, and how I could help him get better.  And I continued to wish this trial away.

So after dinner, baths, and a mean game of monopoly (where Sam skunked the rest of us) my daughter went to get ready for bed and picked out a book for us to read.  She chose The Tale of Three Trees.

This story tells the tale of 3 trees, each wanting to be something good.  The first wishes to be a treasure chest covered in jewels. The second wishes to be the strongest ship ever made and hold kings.  And the third wishes to remain on the hill, growing taller and pointing to God.

Their wishes aren't to be. All three trees are cut down. The first becomes a feed trough for hungry animals. The second becomes a small fishing boat and the third is forgotten in a pile of lumber.

Years pass and the first tree eventually holds the Christ child. The second tree is the vessel Christ is in when he calms the storm. And the third becomes the cross to which Christ was nailed.

Tonight this was a great reminder that God has a much better plan for me and my family than I could ever conceive. I love this quote by George MacDonald: "I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God's thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest, and most precious thing in all thinking."

This story reminded me that God is making our family into something amazing.  And this is part of the growing pains. And while it hurts, I have to remember to let go and let Him guide us.

C.S. Lewis reminds us: “The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is to hand over your whole self--all your wishes and precautions--to Christ. But it is far easier than what we are all trying to do instead. For what we are trying to do is to remain what we call "ourselves," to keep personal happiness as our great aim in life, and yet at the same time be "good.” 

None of this takes away the trial we are experiencing.  It is real, it is hard and it hurts.  But what I learn is to trust.  My faith in God sustains me through these difficult times and reminds that there is something greater than me.